Written by Dr Nicole Highet

Did you expect to feel love at first sight when you met your baby? You’re not alone. So many new parents wait to feel a rush of love when holding their newborn – and yet often the reality is a little different.

Some parents may feel an overwhelming sense of love for their baby, finding themselves constantly watching, holding and touching their little one and looking at them with love, wonder and amazement. Many fathers particularly describe feeling great pride, wonder and protectiveness towards their baby.

But this isn’t the case for everyone. One mother explains:

I was unprepared for the numb, lack of bonding I felt. I was not depressed… I just didn’t bond with my baby at all for the first two months. No one had mentioned that I may feel that way.

Bonding Takes Time

Despite what you might have seen in movies or read in books about those instant connections and loving moments, bonding isn’t always automatic – it may take time for the connection to grow.

In fact, this is quite common; we know from research that as many as 40 per cent of first-time and 25 per cent of second-time mothers experience a feeling of “indifference” when holding their baby for the first time.  The same study found that while most mothers developed feelings of affection after a week, others struggled for months after bringing their baby home.

The problem is that no one talks about it, which can make the experience even more unsettling. Another mum shared:

You hear and see about what happens when your baby is born and how you love them immediately… and you just want to be with them. I didn’t have that. I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him.

I wasn’t able to enjoy my second baby or lap up those early months like I did with my first, I was purely ‘getting through it’. This then made me feel tremendous guilt toward my second child, I felt like we had no proper bond and that spurred on the cycle of feeling frustrated and overwhelmed!

Understanding secure attachment

Your attachment with your baby is important for your relationship – and your baby’s development.

Research tells us that a secure attachment relationship helps to build the foundation for your baby’s positive sense of self, feeling safe in the world and helping them cope with distress. Babies form attachments to significant carers in their lives, usually their parents, but also siblings, grandparents, other relatives and those providing childcare.

A baby’s early positive experiences with their parents and carers enables them to use their relationship as a ‘secure base’ from which to explore the world, and a foundation for secure attachment in their future relationships. This also has a positive effect on their ability to explore, grow and develop.

Strategies to help you bond with your baby

Some ways you can help to develop a secure attachment include:

• Reliably and sensitively responding to your baby’s cues for comfort when they cry or are distressed. You can do this by holding and cuddling, talking, smiling, and gently rocking your baby.
• Imagining how your baby may experience the world. Try to take time to see the world through their eyes.
• Taking time to delight in your baby and their experience.
• Getting to know your baby as a person and thinking of them as a unique little person (as opposed to simply ‘a baby’).
• Engage in play, massage and talking with your baby – this will not only stimulate their senses, but also build a strong, positive connection between you both.
• Read and sing to them.
• Have plenty of skin-to-skin

Remember: A relationship is a two-way street. Taking time to develop and nurture your bond with your baby in the first weeks and months of parenthood will help you not only understand and get to know your little one but also help foster a special relationship that will be there for life.

All relationships take time and investment – some naturally take longer than others, so give you and your baby time.

Seeking Help

While not feeling an immediate bond with your baby can be distressing, it’s not always a sign of postnatal depression. In fact, some women with postnatal depression and/or anxiety feel very bonded to their babies but experience other symptoms like changes to their appetite or sleep.

If you’re struggling or feel concerned about your bond with your baby don’t be afraid to speak to your maternal child and family health nurse or GP. You can also seek professional help via the COPE website.

Author:

Dr Nicole Highet, Founder and Executive Director of Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE)